IowaHawk strikes again. Combining the farce that was the NYU student protest / takeover and the kind of "change" Obama's been bringing to the stock market, we end up with something that is at the same time funnier, and sadder, than the actual events.
Dow Soars on NYU White House Takeover
Acting US President Skyler Lozano: bringing new hope to Wall Street NEW YORK - Major stock indexes posted broad gains on heavy trading early Tuesday on news that a rogue group of student protesters from New York University had taken over the White House and barricaded themselves in the Oval Office. The Dow posted a 1100 point (17%) gain in the first hour of trading, wiping out nearly all of its loss since January 20 and almost 35% of losses since November 4.
"Finally, we're seeing encouraging signs of sanity in Washington," said UBS market analyst Jane Cohen.
The market rally lifted issues across the board, with 87% of stocks showing gains. Market leaders included Apple ($116.05, +32%), Amalgamated Pachouli & Incense ($23.15, +53%), Keffiya Mart ($17.66, +49%), and Bongs.com ($41.10, +72%). The short list of losers included student loan guarantor Sallie Mae ($1.78, -78%) and General Deodorant ($0.83, -96%).
The market's long slide was reversed almost immediately after the students, recently expelled from NYU after a takeover of a school building, wrested control of the federal government after a 15 minute siege of the White House.
"They tricked us," complained exiled Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "They said they were only coming by to chillax with some OG kush and talk about the stimulus bill and shit."
According to Secret Service officials, when the president and aides left the Oval Office in search of a seed tray and some kibble the students barred the door, effectively taking over the executive branch.
Be sure to go read the rest. The guy is
a smart ass brilliant.