Woody's Place

Halloween Costumes For Effeminate Boys

Hat tip to Feed Your ADHD.

The Rancher And The Yuppie

A rancher was overseeing his livestock in a remote pasture when suddenly a shiny black SUV pulled up to the fenceline in a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" 

The rancher looks at the man quizzically, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, hands it to the rancher and says, "You have exactly 1,586 in your herd."          

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the rancher. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man huffs it into the back of his Escalade.           

Then the rancher says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"           

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"          

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the rancher.
           
"Wow! That's correct," says the Congressman, "but how did you guess that?"           

"No guessing required." answered the rancher. "You showed up here even though nobody called you.  You want to get paid for giving an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are. And you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This here is a flock of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Tells California Legislature F-U!

No, this is not a joke.  This is exactly what was sent by the Governor's office to the State Legislature, except I've highlighted the first letter in each line so you can see the hidden message.

Oh, that's rich!  Mr. Schwarzenneger may be a RINO, but he's earned back at least some of my respect with this move.  LMAO!

Confucius Say...

Obama And The Cowboy

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his healthcare reform plan. When he discovered the cowboy was from President Bush’s town, Barack started to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy said, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replied, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replied as he went back to rambling. But, a moment later he stopped and bluntly asked, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy answered, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," said Obama as he began rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl said, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Obama Versus Fox News

Via the fabulous blog of S. Weasel.  Pop over there for more genius anytime you are running low.

Help Obama Win The Heisman Trophy!

Since we are handing out prestigious awards based on future possibilites instead of real accomplishments, let's go all the way!  Let's win the Heisman Trophy for Obama!!!  After all, he's as qualified for that award as he was for the Nobel Peace Prize.

Via the Washington Examiner here's a link to an ESPN page where you can place your vote for the Heisman, including the option to write in your own candidate.  Be sure to enter "Barack Obama" so his votes aren't split up between multiple spellings etc.

Obama = Fatal Error

If you don't pay careful attention something brilliant gets posted at The People's Cube and you miss it,  like this beauty from February.

I must have been slacking that week.  A belated kudos to Red Square.

 

P.S. I actually own a real People's Cube.  It sits on the bookshelf in my office next to the original Rubik's Cube, and makes a great conversation piece.

Middle East Problem Solved

Found at Aardvark's along with a gallery of hot chicks with elf ears.  I love that for some reason... the D&D geek in me I guess.

The Widow And The Ranch Hand

A successful Texas rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.  She was a smart and good-looking woman and was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. 

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.  She thought long & hard about it, and when no one else applied for the job,she decided to hire the gay fellow, Frank, thinking he would be safer to have around than the drunk. 
 
Frank proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.  For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.  Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You should go into town and kick up your heels this weekend."  He readily agreed and went into town that Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.  Two o'clock and no hired hand.  Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, Frank found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."  He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."  He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."  she said, and he did so.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again Frank, you're fired."

Iowahawk Riffs On Obamacare

Iowahawk strikes again, this time giving us his reimagining of Scrubs with Barack Obama as an orderly, just trying give little old Mrs. Petrowski the best "end-of-life" care he possibly can, regardless of her age and lack of terminal illness.

Please, Mrs. Petrowski, put down the phone. The other patients are all asleep. Besides, after that incident yesterday, you know we had to unplug it. You remember how agitated you made everybody with those crazy stories about "death panels" and what not. Remember when I was giving you the sedatives, and I explained that your mind was playing tricks on you? And how those nice men were only End-of-Life Quality Assurance Counselors?

*ding*

Okay! Elevator's here! Next stop, bottom floor, cafeteria... aaaand... therrrre's...

*swiiip*

a goddamn elevator car in the shaft.

sigh.

Alright, whatever. Let's get on.

Click over for the rest.  Iowahawk is the Charles Nelson Riley of the blogosphere.

17 Dollars, Now That's Gangsta

She Wants To Be President When She Grows Up

A little joke from my Inbox.

I recently asked my friend's  little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I  asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would  do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless  people.' 

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy  goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President  to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and  sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery  store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him  the $50 to use toward food and a new house.' 

She thought that over for a  few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't  the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can  just pay him  the $50?' 

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' 

Her parents still  aren't speaking to me.

Just Click It...

And laugh your butt off.

"It’s as if she’s sewn unboiled spaghetti into her skin."

Good one Mayor.

Hipster Douchebags

The Mayor over at Mitchieville has started assembling a photo gallery of hipster douchebags.  Head over and check it out for a good laugh.

Two things I can tell you about hipster douchebags is that they vote Democrat (unless they are just too cool or stoned to vote), and they all own Apple iPods and Mac laptops.

Oh, and I despise them, so make that three things.

Is It Racist? No, It's The Truth

Some hip hop "artist" who goes by the name of Ju made a ridiculous video called "Been Had Money" showing himself mumbling a lot of nonsense while throwing twenty dollar bills all over the place.  Comedian / talk show host Daniel Tosh then made this video response, asking his audience "Is It Racist"?

No, it's not racist, it's the truth.  Kudos to Daniel for illustrating just how absurd the entire hip hop mindset has become.  Black children would be much better off emulating Tosh than most of their real idols, although that wouldn't be very "street" now would it?

UPDATE: Well, at least this Ju guy has a good sense of humor.  He's begun parodying himself:  "Been Had Cans", "Been Had Bricks", "Been Had Vitamin Water", "Been Had Baseball Cards", "Been Had Tatoos" 

QUESTION: Should I film a "Been Had Dungeons & Dragons" video showing off my huge D&D collection?

IDEA: Too bad we don't have an Obama look-alike who could star in "Been Had YO Money", where he counts all the trillions in tax dollars and shows off all the pork-barrel projects he's been spending it on.  Sounds like a good project for Crowder and Zo at PJTV.

Now, At Last, I Can Finally Relate To Obama

Here's Obama checking out 17 year old Mayara Tavares's posterior at the G8 summit.

 

I guess even Marxists like Barack can appreciate some good Brazillian booty.

The Parking Lot Attendant

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.  It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"No", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?"

" . . . No." insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.

UPDATE: My wife's been to the Bristol Zoo, but doesn't recall the name of the parking attendant.  Darn!

Iowahawk: Please Don't Touch The Bureaucrats

Iowahawk gives us a peek at the new marketing strategy of the Washington Post.  Journalisim wasn't paying tha bilz baby, so they got a new thang goin' on:

Katherine Weymouth: Hey fellas, after a hard week lobbying down on K Street, we know what you want. When the sun goes down on the capitol dome, you want to kick off those white shoes and get comfortable with the Beltway's hottest journalists and public policy analysts. And they're all waiting for you at the Washington Chrome Post.

Sexy Reverb Voice: mmmm.... the Washington Chrome Post.

Katherine Weymouth: The Washington Chrome Post, home of DC's most uninhibited panel discussions, with dozens of key government policy analysts waiting to make all your lobbying fantasies come true. Whether your tastes run to heath care, union pensions, or asphalt contracting, let the Washington Chrome Post show you the kind of full-frontal journalism that will make yours an evening to remember. 

Go read the rest, and you'll see why Iowahawk is the Howie Mandel of the blogosphere.

Crowder Illustrates Keith Olbermann's Absurdity

I usually catch Crowder every week, but somehow this one slipped by me until today.

Spot on.  Especially the Rachel Maddow impersonation.

Oversized Sunglasses

Hat tip to Hammer.

Warning: Lowe's Parking Lot Scam

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping for home improvement supplies.  Simply going out to get a few hardware items has turned out to be quite traumatic.  Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your buddies.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your truck as you are loading your stuff into the bed.  They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.  It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Lowe's.  You agree and they get in the backseat.  On the way, they start undressing.  Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while you are distracted the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on  May  4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.  Also June  1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 12th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this weekend.

So tell all your friends to be on the lookout.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale $2.99 each.

P.P.S. Hat tip to Gary for sending me the warning, even though I'd already gotten scammed repeatedly.  Appreciate you looking out for me.

Who's Watching Government Spending?

Gangsta Obama

Well, they did say Obama was going to "do his thug thizzle", but this is not what I was expecting.

And you just know all that bling came out of the Defense Department's budget...  Missle defense?  Nah nah.  F^@& dat $#!T.  We need some mo BLING up in this beeyatch.

Free Hugs Vs. Deluxe Hugs

Check out this great video of a capitalist selling deluxe hugs for $2 each versus some commie douchebag trying to give away free hugs.

It's absolutely hilarious to see how ticked off the hippie got over this.

While I totally dig the free-market deluxe hugs concept, there are some times when I do prefer free hugs.  Such as whenever this lovely young lady happens to be around:

She's very persuasive.  Hard to resist, really.

Iowahawk Riffs On FUNemployment

Iowahawk is the funniest member of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy.  Don't believe me? 

"Recession is a great opportuning for people to get outside, enjoy a sunny park bench, and have fun," said Robert Lester, a professor at UCLA's Anderson School of Business. "And President Obama is making that kind of fun possible for more and more people every day."

Told ya so.  Now go read the rest.  You'll thank me.

P.S. Dave, we are WAY past due for some new Hoosegow Honeys!

Government Motors, An Amerikan Revolution

Hat tip to GM's Place.

Michelle Obama Serving Meals At A Homeless Shelter

• Cost of meal at a homeless shelter - $0.00
• Having Michelle Obama serve you your meal - $0.00
• Snapping a picture of a homeless person receiving his taxpayer funded mushroom risotto while taking a picture of the First Lady with his $500 BlackBerry cell phone - PRICELESS

Jeez.  When we were poor back in the 80's for awhile I remember eating cheese sandwiches...  just two pieces of bread and some cheese.  It was government cheese too.  Now the homeless are getting free mushroom risotto?!  I wonder what wine they were serving?  

Hat tip to Fred.

When E-mail Goes Wrong

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address, and without realizing his error, sent the message.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends, but after reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.  The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

TO:  My Loving Wife
SUBJECT:  I've Arrived
DATE:  October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in, and I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then.  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S.  Sure is HOT down here!!!

The Way They SHOULD Have Roasted Obama

Michelle Obama: Heghjaj Harbe'wI'pu'

This was too funny not to post.

 

I guess you could say "resistance is futile".

Hat tip to Hammer.

P.S. The Klingon in the title means "I have never been proud of my country".

Iowahawk: The Barack Obama Celebrity Roast

Iowahawk hits another one out of the park, this time riffing on the annual MSM/DNC Cabal reunion White House Correspondent's Dinner in Washington D.C. 

In this version Obama is roasted not by adoring press and celebrities, but by the various dictators and despots benefiting from his recent ascendancy as liberal naïveté incarnate.  

Here's Iran's "Shecky Amedinijad" opening the evening's festivities:

What a mensch this guy is. Total sweetheart. As soon as he was elected, he told me he would come to the negotiating table without preconditions. You know what 'preconditions' are? That's Persian for 'balls.' Barack, one look at the stars on the stage proves you still have a knack for community organizing. You've brought the entire evil community together, in the spirit of international dialog, to ask you one simple question: how does our ass taste?

(rimshot)

But not everybody has a sense of humor. When I was planning this roast, I sent invitations to every bigshot infidel TV comic in Satanland, but they all turned me down. Was it my holocaust one-liners? My ballistic missile schtick? Nope. These douchebags said they couldn't think of anything funny about Barack Obama. Not a single thing.

(scattered groans, boos)

Yeah, exactly. I mean what the fuck? Maybe I should get my SAG card, because, come on, this clueless pussy is the biggest gift to international insult comedy since Neville Chamberlain. Holy dung, when we heard the infidels elected him, I almost had to shut down my nuke program. My scientists were laughing so hard they kicked over half of our centrifuges!

(Ghadaffi sprays tea on Assad )

But, no-o-o, all these professional comedy dipshits keep telling me Professor Urkel over here is some sort of infidel sacred joke cow. I called up Letterman, and I'm like, Dave how about a couple Obama zingers for the roast tonight? He's like, "no, no, too controversial. Everybody loves him." And so I'm like, how about if I just insult America? So he's like, "yeah, sure, that's fine."

Okay then, here's one: man, that America is one stupid country.

(audience: HOW STUPID IS IT?)

It's so fucking stupid it elected Barack Obama.

Brilliant as usual, but twice as funny.  Click over and read the rest.

Jones' Good Ass BBQ And Foot Massage

Yes, this is a real business, not a spoof.  Really.

He also runs a truck rental and storage business.  Be sure to check out his website.

Dear Obama

I found this at Liberal Quicksand today, and it's all kinds of awesome.  

Dear President Obama,

Thank you for helping my neighbors and with their mortgage payments. You know, the ones down the street who in the good times refinanced their house several times and bought SUV’s, ATV’s, RV”s, a pool, a big screen, two Wave Runners and a Harley.

But I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow their Harley now and then?

And thank you also for helping my ‘get rich quick’ scheming brother-in-law, who bought millions in real estate - with no money down - but now can’t flip them for that fast buck he thought he would earn.

Would it be possible for you to arrange for me use of just one of those places, for just a week, so I could pretend I can afford a real vacation – since I can’t since I actually pay my bills?

Richard Ford
Queen Creek, AZ

P.S. My brother-in-law needs help with their credit cards, since he charged all the repairs to his properties. When do you want me to start making those payments?

P.P.S. I almost forgot – my neighbors didn’t file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

Can anyone refute the logic?  No, I thought not. 

Iowahawk: OMG JournoList Is SO Not Teh Cabal Like The Repub H8rs Say

Iowahawk has successfully hacked into JournoList and intercepted some of the top secret "off the record" conversations between left wing bloggers, left wing professors and totally ubiased mainstream media reporters that the secretive invitation only board is known for.  Here is an excerpt:

EZRA KLEIN: So what should we post for 1st period blog tomorrow???

MATTHEW YGLESIAS: how about what olbermann said about o'reilly last nite

JESSE SINGAL: zzzzzz

ERIC ALTERMAN: ITA its boring..... plus olbermann is teh ghey

BRAD DELONG: ita,,, oreilly sucks but i m not giving that hysterical choad olbermann another reason to text me

KATHA POLLITT has entered the room

JOSH MARSHALL: IKWYM that fucker already texts me 20x a day for talking points,,, like we r BFFs

ERIC ALTERMAN: ya last weekend I was at the mall and olbermann came up to me in hot topic and is all like 'HI Eric!!! hows it goin!!! Did you watch me on teh COUNTDOWN?!?!?

BRAD DELONG: gross lol

ERIC ALTERMAN: and then the cool kids from the Nation and Vanity Fair came in

JOSH MARSHALL: OMG how embarrassing. I cant believe you invited him to JournoList Ezra

EZRA KLEIN: i told you i was sorry. he just kept bugging me. i tried changing his password but he keeps hacking back on

Be sure to click over and read the rest.  It's teh major funny.

You gotta loves you some Iowahawk...

OBAMA = One Big Awful Mistake America

Found On Web: What If Al Gore Lived In Ancient Greece?

From Historical And Modern Day News And Trivia:

Long, long ago in a Grecian city far, far away there lived a man named Albertus Goreus. Albertus was a wealthy citizen from Athens who could buy anything his heart(or stomach) desired. While most of his class of citizens were content with their lives, Albertus felt unloved. And, so, one summer's day as he sat upon the steps of the temple of Zeus, he noticed how warm the air was. He placed his hands upon the giant stone steps. And they were scorching hot! Albertus stared at the sun. How bright it shone! He could feel the heat pouring from the giant, golden orb of Apollo.

Ten minutes later, as he was being carried away from the temple because he had stared at the sun to long, he thought, "Oh, my! The world will be burnt to a crisp if I don't do something about it!"

It's pretty clever.  Go read the rest where Albertus Goreus tries to have Socrates arrested for questioning his beliefs.

Hat tip to Wyatt a.k.a. "pimp daddy" at Support Your Local Gunfighter.

UPDATE: From her profile I see that Elm is into Legend Of Zelda, Queen Elizabeth, conservative politics and history.  What an interesting mix.  Must... add to... blogroll.

Iowahawk Strikes Again

The master of political satire sits back and lets the Democrats satire themselves with this awesome video compilation of liberal gaffes and goofs.  While you watch remember all those Democrats who said Obama's election made them finally proud to be American again...

Do these people make you proud? 

Be sure to catch Iowahawk's other post which makes clear why the USA won World War II in record time.  I'm in complete agreement and would start a war myself if I could.  Wowza.

The Bird Feeder

Found this over at Cmblake6 today:

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.  What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.  Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. 

Then came the poop.  It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table... everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean.  They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud.  They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn’t even sit on my own back porch anymore.  So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.  I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be... quiet, serene... and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let’s see.

Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.  Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services;  small apartments are housing 5 families;  you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor;  your child’s second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn’t speak English.  Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box;  I have to ‘press one ‘ to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ‘Old Glory’ are squawking and screaming  in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it’s time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Very good analogy, but unfortunately the birds are running the government now.  That bird feeder AIN'T comin' down, and you ARE gonna buy more bird seed wether you like it or not.  In a Democracy the majority rules, and over half of today's voters don't pay any income tax.

Pay up sucka.

A Study In Contrasts

Hat tip to Shooting The Messenger.

A Letter From The Boss

Here's a layoff I don't mind hearing about:

Dear Staff,

As the CFO of a business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama is our President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8%. Since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.

This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here, and I didn’t know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did: I strolled through our parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees’ cars, and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.

I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

These folks wanted change; I gave it to them. If you have a better idea, let me know.

Sincerely,

The Boss

Hat tip to The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler.

Michelle Obama's Got Some Choppers

 

I'm just sayin...

Obama On Mount Rushmore

Hat tip to IowaHawk.

Everything Is Amazing And Nobody's Happy

I just found this hilarious must see YouTube clip over at Where Are My Keys.  Did I mention it's HILARIOUS?  Did I tell you it's a MUST SEE?  Okay, good. 

No idea who that guy is, but he hit the nail on the frickin' head. 

Paris Hilton Crushed By Diamonds In Head-On Collision

From The Superficial:

Los Angeles - Hotel heiress Paris Hilton died in a head-on collision this morning when her diamond-encrusted dashboard failed to act as any sort of safety device whatsoever.

Rescue workers believe Hilton would've survived if her car were made of "normal vehicle components and not fucking diamonds like a goddamn moron-mobile."

The ghost of Charles Darwin also appeared at the scene to deliver a thumbs up before informing bystanders to "intelligently design" themselves in the anus.

It's only part fiction folks... read the rest. 

The Second Ammendment In Action

William Shatner demonstrates the second ammendment in action during an episode of Boston Legal:

I love that.

Hat tip to Third World County.

Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money!

In Living Color "Mo Money, Mo Money, Mo Money!"

IowaHawk: Student Takeover Of White House Causes Dow To Soar

IowaHawk strikes again.  Combining the farce that was the NYU student protest / takeover and the kind of "change" Obama's been bringing to the stock market, we end up with something that is at the same time funnier, and sadder, than the actual events.

Dow Soars on NYU White House Takeover

Acting US President Skyler Lozano: bringing new hope to Wall Street NEW YORK - Major stock indexes posted broad gains on heavy trading early Tuesday on news that a rogue group of student protesters from New York University had taken over the White House and barricaded themselves in the Oval Office. The Dow posted a 1100 point (17%) gain in the first hour of trading, wiping out nearly all of its loss since January 20 and almost 35% of losses since November 4.

"Finally, we're seeing encouraging signs of sanity in Washington," said UBS market analyst Jane Cohen.

The market rally lifted issues across the board, with 87% of stocks showing gains. Market leaders included Apple ($116.05, +32%), Amalgamated Pachouli & Incense ($23.15, +53%), Keffiya Mart ($17.66, +49%), and Bongs.com ($41.10, +72%). The short list of losers included student loan guarantor Sallie Mae ($1.78, -78%) and General Deodorant ($0.83, -96%).

The market's long slide was reversed almost immediately after the students, recently expelled from NYU after a takeover of a school building, wrested control of the federal government after a 15 minute siege of the White House.

"They tricked us," complained exiled Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "They said they were only coming by to chillax with some OG kush and talk about the stimulus bill and shit."

According to Secret Service officials, when the president and aides left the Oval Office in search of a seed tray and some kibble the students barred the door, effectively taking over the executive branch.

Be sure to go read the rest.  The guy is a smart ass brilliant.

UPDATE: Wow!  Mr. Hawk saw fit to add me to his website's Blurbs list.  I am truly honored to be included among such notables as Michelle Malkin, Mark Steyn and Obo The Clown.

Bye Bye Our Kid's American Pie

Submitted by a reader L.C. to Michelle Malkin:

Sing to “American Pie”

A long, long time ago…
we can still remember
How Ronald Regan made us smile.
And we knew if we had a chance
we could make those Democrats dance
And, surely we’d be happy for a while.

But this February should make us shiver
With every promise Nancy delivers.
Bad stimulus on the doorstep;
We shouldn’t take one more step.

We will remember when we cried
As we read Harry’s big fat lies,
But something is foul deep inside
The day responsibility died.

So bye-bye, to our kids piece of the pie.
Obama Drives us to the brink,
will leave us all high and dry.
Coburn and the boys were tryin’ all they could think
Singin’, “You’re making our economy die.
you’ve taken our kid’s piece of the pie.”

Can we still trust in our gov,
We will need our faith in God above,
If we want to make them go.
Do we believe in principles,
Can we be saved from those liberals,
And can Mitch and John keep their troops in tow?

Well, the Unions are in love with them
`cause they read the same liberal hymm.
They change all the rules.
Now we got those stimulus blues.

We’ll end up lonely and without a buck
Just a Green job and a hybrid truck,
Right now, we are out of luck
The day responsibility died.

We started singing,
“bye-bye, our kid’s piece of the pie.”
Obama drives us to the brink,
will leave us all be high and dry.
Coburn and the boys trying all they could think
singing “You’re making our economy die.
you’ve taken our kid’s piece of the pie.”

Now for two months we’ve been on our own
Ried, Nancy and Obama have clearly shown,
Their way is how it’s gonna be.
They’re jesters, jokes and drama queens,
Throwin’ cash around like they’re seventeen
Not listening to the voice of you and me,

And while they read a book of Marx,
We praise Friedman in the dark
The day responsiblity died.

We were singing,
“bye-bye, our kids’ piece of the pie.”
Obama drives us to the brink,
will leave us high and dry.
Coburn and the boys were tryin’ all they could think
singin, ” You’re making our economy die.
you’ve taken our kid’s piece of the pie.”

But we can not sign the blues
We will work for happy news,
Freedom is 21 months away.
We must go to the roof and shout “no more,”
Like we did 15 years before,
It is time to put an end to the Lib’s day.

For today believers in responsibility screamed,
Conservatives cried, But we still will dream.
Loud words must be spoken;
“Our Liberal government is broken.”
And three men to whom we could turn:
Pawlenty, Jindal and Coburn,
From their leadership we can surely learn.

Today, responsibility died.

‘Til then we will be singing:
“bye-bye, our kid’s piece of the pie.”
Obama drives us to the brink,
will leave us all be high and dry.
Coburn and the boys were trying all they could think
singing “You’re making our economy die.
you’ve taken our kid’s piece of the pie.”

The day responsibility died, indeed.

Star Trek As "The Love Boat"

Brilliant!

I'd give a link to the website I found this on, but he's a big-time Obamaniac and would probably get all wound up about it.  Too bad.  He's got a lot of cool geek stuff over there, and I always prefer to give credit where credit is due.